My Dearest Pizza Hut,
You don’t know me personally, but we’ve had quite a long relationship. There’s no data available, but for argument’s sake, I’ve probably eaten millions of slices of your pizza. Also, you send me more emails than any of my family members. So…yeah.
Through all those millions of bites, there has been quite a roller coaster of emotions. Happiness. Sadness. Hunger. The opposite of hunger.
First and foremost, I do have many fond memories…
The way your pepperoni gets a little bit burnt, making it extra crispy. Even when I was too full to eat any more, I always had room to steal a salty pepperoni from one of the remaining slices.
You forced me to read with the Book-It program. Free pizza just for reading books? Genius. I graduated college, so thank you. I didn’t keep track of all the books I read, but for the sake of argument I’ve probably read millions of pages.
Oh and your beloved pan pizza. Dripping that unctuous grease on my chin… It was as close to a fried pizza as I’ll ever come.
And the pan pizza’s perfect foil: The thin crust pizza. So thin that it could facilitate consuming more than one large pizza at a time. A feat any teenage boy would be proud to accomplish.
Memories aside, we are firmly planted in what historians will call The Bacon Era. It all started as a lonely topping. Little salty crumbles of magic, like dust from the Pig Fairy. But that wasn’t enough. Next, you decided to stuff bacon and cheese in the crust.
Not long after this historic anouncement from Blake Shelton, one of your competitors upped the ante, not by stuffing the crust, but by REPLACING IT with bacon.
Now, you could take the next logical step and replace ALL of the crust with bacon. Essentially a circular disc of bacon, ready to be piled high with sauce, cheeses, and…more bacon. So, why let this pesky pizza business get in the way of what we all really want? What the world needs is…
THE BACON BOX
A pound of bacon stuffed inside a box, delivered hot, fresh, and ready for consumption. I don’t have the demographics data, but I’m willing to bet there are millions of customers out there who desire a box of bacon. Breakfast would never be easier. BLTs would practically make themselves. World peace would be just around the corner.
Your bread stick boxes are already equipped to hold bacon. I’m sure your pizza ovens would love to cook strips of bacon. And the marketing is already done, ’cause this box sells itself.
So, I challenge you, Pizza Hut. Give us THE BACON BOX.
Because if you don’t, I’m sure one of y0ur competitors will…